my poppop passed away. And I had to stop in Georgia. This may be a little immature, but I don’t want to stop in Georgia this time. Ugh
When are you going to realize how much I need you? When are you going to realize that you’re hurting me so much right now. I’m so fucking tired of the guys around here, they’re all after one thing. They’re nothing like you, which is why I fell in love with you and could never see myself falling in love with a guy from around here. I need you here. I don’t mean here online, but here in person, in my arms, I wanna be laying on the couch with you, watching movies. I wanna be able to look up into your eyes from your lap and just smile, then lean up, your lips meeting mine half way and slowly kissing you. I need hope, I need a sign that this isn’t over. I need you.
I never stopped smoking weed until like a week ago. I lied to you. I don’t even know why you “loved” me. I’m nothing but a liar.
I can’t even stand him. Tina, Chelsea and I had a heart-to-heart talk about everything and he was brought up because Chelsea use to date him and she’s my cousin and when she moved to Florida, things happened between him and I. See, you think I’m this amazing girl, when really I’m not. I do fucked up shit. Anyway, him and I have known each other longer than anyone has known him. But, yeah we did the deed. And then Chelsea found out and we stopped talking for months. But when she came up here to visit from Florida, we fixed everything. We talked and cried. I was taken advantage of, more than once. He threw drinks down my throat to make sure he was going to ‘get some’ that night. When I finally realized what he was doing was when I made sure I didn’t go to anymore parties. I haven’t been to any parties since Halloween, when the 22 year old tried having sex with me. I’m tired of it. I feel gross.
Oh, I tried killing myself, did you know that? I’m just gonna tell you everything that I was never able to tell you before because I was scared/embarrassed. I tried killing myself because someone broke my heart. Lol, no. Not a boy. A fucking girl. Who now lives in Colombia. She fucked me over, big time. And still tries to do it. I’m sure I’ve talked to you about her before using the name “Austin.” Her name is actually Angie and I still can’t believe I’m telling you this. Fuck.
I lied to everyone, and said it was because everyone was pissing me off and I can’t hit anyone because I would fail a drug test. No one was really pissing me off to make me cry, people rarely do that. It sounded good though and they believed it because everyone knows I couldn’t pass a drug test to save my life right now.
I cried because of you. I started thinking of you. First I was in lunch, I was okay then. But then I got into choir and this girl Shantel asked if I was okay, and without answering or anything I just started crying. I cried for 30 minutes straight, Jess, my cousin had to walk me to the bathroom. I can’t do this anymore. I need to get over you, it’s completely obvious that you’ve gotten over me.
There’s been other guys lately. 3 actually. I wanna tell you about them, because I wanna be able to talk to you about this stuff.
One. Chazy. He’s weird, but he’s funny. He’s funny but he’s annoying. He’s annoying but he’s cute. I don’t know, so many mixed signals. We went fishing/crabbing the other day, and ever since then he’s messed with me and everyone has the feeling that he likes me. I don’t know, he has a girlfriend though.. He’s a nice guy and all, but nothing compared to you..
Two. Jon. Tina’s foster brother. I met him because he’s living with Tina and her family because he has no where else to go right now. He’s also like Chazy, we talk a lot. We think each other are funny as shit and we like being around each other. But we’re not really too attracted to each other, at least I’m not too attracted to him.. Idk about him being attracted to me. Anyway, maybe he’s more of a friend type?
Three. Fran. Him and I have known each other for so long. He dated my cousin though, actually she’s not really my cousin but we say that because we’ve known each other since day one. Anyway, they broke up. I’m no longer friends with my “cousin” because she’s a bitch. Well, I don’t know. I hung out with my brother, Paul, Tina, Chelsea, Fran and I the other night.. We went up to the boardwalk. When Fran and I were in the back of Tinas truck waiting to go, he took my blanket it put it over us and cuddled with me. It was cute. We’ve texted every day since. I opened up to Chelsea about it, she thinks I should go for it. She thinks he likes me, I don’t know.
I miss you, Alex. What the fuck. I can’t open up to any other guy because I’m scared they’re gonna leave. You promised you wouldn’t, you lied. You’re gone, and I have a feeling you’re not coming back. Fuck, dude. Come back. I miss you, I just need to here from you and know that you’re okay. I love you.
I miss you, so much. I never get like this when I lose someone. Every song I listen to, somehow reminds me of you. I think about you every day, whether I’m alone with out. I go to bed thinking about you and I wake up thinking about you. I need you here. We can’t give up now, we just can’t. We’ve worked too damn hard to just give up and we both care to fucking much. Please, Alex.
I’ve started doing everything I stopped doing. I’ve drank and I’ve smoked. I promised you I wouldn’t. Without you here, I’m not myself. I’m not happy.
